If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
