There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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