We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
