i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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