I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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