Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
