We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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