The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
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I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
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Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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