if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize