i'm signing you up for texting rehab
zippers are such a cool invention
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
