Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
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I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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