I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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