i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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