I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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