He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
