I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
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Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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