then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
