Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
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Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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