The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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