You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
