Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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