I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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