you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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