There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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