Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
