You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
