think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
