Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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