the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
