Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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