I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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