Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
