Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
