The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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