My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
