So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
