"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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