I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
