your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
