Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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