So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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