I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
