all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
