i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
