while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
If I die, sorry about rent.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
