the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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