your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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