so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
no, he came in my armpit
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I did not marry a roomba.
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