Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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