I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
