I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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