Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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