have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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