I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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