I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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