Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
