It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
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My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
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I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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