he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
