Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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