Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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