My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
