so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
