I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
