I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
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