Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
