is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
